5, 6, 7, 8 and Beyond Part 2

Welcome back! We last left off with me feeling on top of the world with the body I was in since I was dancing and performing! Meanwhile, my mom saw differently. She couldn't help but wonder why I was exercising so much and not losing any weight. She took me to a hormone doctor, and I remember being furious (teenagers are fun right)? Why was she trying to change the way I looked? Was she ashamed of me because I was fat? The answer to both of those questions was no. And like the saying goes, my mom knew best. Something was off. My body was producing too much insulin and converting it to fat. Probably has something to do with me eating chocolate chip pancakes all the time. So, I was prescribed metformin and the weight fell right off! I hated to admit it, but this body was much easier to be in. Ironically enough, kids still were picking on me because they were jealous of me losing weight. This really gave me a deep understanding that you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So, you might as well do whatever you want, (thank you Kacey Musgraves).

Eventually, after a year or 2 I stopped taking metformin. And transitioned to working with a personal trainer/dietitian. I wanted to make the right food choices before I went to college. I did this regime for a year. And it worked, I was skinnier and knew what foods were better for me. However, by the end of it, I was miserable. I wasn't allowed to have any sweets of any kind. So I was isolated while my friends and family indulged themselves. This landed me into disorderly eating habits. I felt ashamed I could not keep this diet up. I felt as though I was letting people down, by picking up a freakin' cookie.

This shame followed me throughout college. I felt like I was trying harder than anyone else around me but didn't have the body or clean token of health to prove it. I trusted my inner knowing, that something wasn't lining up. But doctor's shrugged it off. So eventually, I just gave in and believed them. I started eating more sweets. One, because I thought I could since nothing was wrong with me so what's the harm? Two, to cope with the fact, that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. And three, most importantly, to heal my relationship with food that was going down a slippery slope of not wanting to eat at all. Luckily, I changed my mind maps before that occurred and eventually, the disordered eating habits stopped. Which is something my psyche knew I needed to do before the path I am on now, at 27 years old.

So, with that said my name is Emma L.W. Haskell. I sincerely thank you for reading. Last year, I delved into health insurance. Dove into a plethora of books about woman's hormones. And found a fantastic functional doctor. Acquiring all three of these things has made me feel like I am no longer going crazy about my health, and that my suspicions (not insecurities) were correct!

As a way to cope and balance with all this newfound knowledge, I decided writing a blog was the answer. So, I give you the first year of turning my world upside down as I navigate all the crevices the world of health has to offer. My posts will follow my journey of getting my hormones and food lifestyle balanced. This blog is for me. But this is something I feel very passionate about and clearly, have a lot to say on. It's spewing out of me, you could say! I hope my vulnerability can make you feel less crazy (because you're not, you're a god damn cheetah in the words of Glennon Doyle). Thank you for being part of this crazy journey with me!

hormonally yours,

Emma