Happy, Go Lucky, Feminist

Starting birth control at 18 meant sexual freedom with my then boyfriend (who was not worth it). It was a right of passage that I didn't give a second thought. Because, after all, my sisters got on the implant, and every woman in my friend group was on some sort of birth control. So it must be safe right? Not to mention that birth control was a huge victory for the 60s' feminist. And since I am a feminist who certainly didn't want to get pregnant, birth control served me well. Notice the past tense there.

But by the time I had received my second implant, with my now husband, I started hearing and feeling that birth control takes advantage of your hormones. My PMS was real. I would get crazy mood swings (think happy and delighted one minute, then depressed the other), my boobs hurt, my flow was heavy, and it felt like my body was a whirlwind during my menstrual cycle. But while my inner knowing was telling me something was up, there is a general belief that this is the tragic part of being a woman that I ought to get used to. Now, I know your body changes from being a teenager to an adult, but I was not willing to accept this doomsday fate when my periods used to be three days, with no symptoms besides a slight tummy ache on the first day of my cycle. I deserve better.

With all of this information coursing through my head, and the support I received from Jacob, I felt as though the second implant, would be my last. This gives me 4 years to do research and prepare. I started by trying a Utah based company called Hertime, that had wonderful reviews! It was a bit pricey, but having easier periods was worth it right? I deemed it as helping my health, so we put it in our budget. And I noticed a difference in specifically those mood swings and pms symptoms. I also started investigating and understanding my history of health. I did this with more than my hormonal health. Because at the time, I was also suffering with achy knees, and lower back pain. I wanted more out of this life, so I went to physical therapy to strengthen up. I wanted to be a better, more capable person for Jacob, and more importantly, myself. He showed me that I was worth it (and that hikes would be really fun with him).

One thing led to another, and I really started (healthily, not obsessively) paying attention to what I ate. I wanted to maximize the strength and agility I was obtaining. So I bought a fitbit as a reward to doing my physical therapy training for two months, and so I could grant myself a fuller picture. I realized quickly how much I crave sugar when logging my food (psyche was doing some foreshadowing). So I limited myself on the sweets by trying to only have them once a week. But all the while, I still wasn't able to lose any weight, despite how much I exercised. I found a healthy way to cope with this, I reminded myself that healthy doesn't always mean skinny. And that I was doing the best I can. But at times, I couldn't help but feel insecure about it. That nagging fear of "no matter what you do, it won't be good enough," tried bearing it's rotten little head.

That was until I acquired the perfect regiment to these problems. Getting good health insurance, establishing health with a phenomenal functional doctor, and reading two books by Alissa Vitti called, "In the Flo," and, "Woman Code." Quickly on, I realized that I wasn't going crazy and my body was telling me something! My inner knowing pointed me into the right direction again! Perfect timing considering that I had experienced two seizures after not having them for 5 years. Talk about a scary wake up call for both me and my loved ones. The suspicious part? They happened right after my period would finish. While I wish this didn't happen, it reminded me that I only started having seizures once I got my period at 15. There was a link.

When reading these books, that are heavily tabbed now, Vitti painted a picture of how mighty your microbiome is, and if its off kilter, it will show up in whatever ways necessary to get your attention. And since, in my words, your microbiome controls your whole body, including your neuron system. It gave me strong suspicions that my seizures were hormonally based. Luckily, in her book, there was ways I could adapt to what's been given to me. Getting off birth control and changing my lifestyle. While I knew deep down this is what I wanted, and this book has given me the answers I needed. I knew that I must bring it up with my doctor.

I was so nervous and wanted to make sure I was prepared, so I literally wrote a script of things I wanted to say to the doctor to make sure nothing got left unsaid; a recurring theme I felt at all doctor's offices this far. Plus, Jacob came with me since he also had an insight of what was going on and he kept me calm. I was rooted in myself and support system. Right away, I knew this doctor's office was different. First of all, the prior paperwork took me almost 2 hours to complete. They wanted to know, history, what I ate, how I exercised, what stresses me out, nothing was left unmarked. Isn't this how all doctor paperwork should be? When walking in, the space felt calm and organic, not sterile like a traditional doctor's office. The doctor came in and read off what I said I wanted to talk about. She said it in a way that made me feel safe, not guarded. "This book makes me feel like getting off birth control would help to lose weight, and not have any seizures. But I recognize this may be a stretch, which is why I am here with you." She smiled at me and said sort of sassily, "I don't think it's a stretch." And a wave of relief fell over me. This is the first time I have truly felt heard by a doctor, I didn't even use the script I prepped.

From there we formed a game plan. She recommended me to a primary doctor and OBGYN. She told me she wanted to collect blood samples for a baseline to later compare different results to. And even helped us understand our financial options! Because of her help, I was able to get my blood tests done for free with the proper code sent to my insurance. The next week, I got my blood taken, and my birth control removed. She is what me and Jacob called based.

The people I am closest to know about my choice to get off birth control and completely support me and understand my choices. But there's been other's, who see it as an odd choice, considering I don't want to get pregnant right now. This is who this blog entry is for. I understand your concern, but now you need to hear me out. Birth control has caused me to be estrogen dominant and low in progesterone. Estrogen dominance can cause cancer, insulin resistance, and infertility on the heavy end. And on the lighter end, can cause hormonal symptoms, like the ones I have, and lowers your sex drive. (What's the point in me having birth control if I am not craving sex?) How hard would it be if I got off birth control, just to have a baby, and then had to conquer all these problems beforehand, or even during child raising years? I want to heal myself now, so I can stop passing on these imbalances to my kids and also not have to deal with with these symptoms during the hustle and bustle of raising kids. Fixing these issues now, will also increase my success of a healthy pregnancy. I deserve and am important enough to take care of these issues now.

I feel as though I can track all four phases of my cycle now, if that means I can have hormonal balance. And that is the choice my body and mind are making, craving even. So let's understand that birth control was and is an amazing device for woman to control pregnancy. Let's keep showing support for that because it's monumental! But let's also support those who are ready for a different, less socially understood journey. Because at the end of the day, woman deserve autonomy. And it's easier to acquire that with a kickass, supportive community.

Feministly yours,

Emma