Love is Patient, Love is Kind.

The first time I heavily switched food styles at the age of 18, I didn't have the kind of support I needed 100% of the time. Before I go into why I wasn't set up for success by my circle, let me say that they all had good intentions, they simply missed the mark. And a few miss marked intentions are harboring in my body and mind to this day. A few things, as I prepared to shift food styles again, jumped out in my mind.

• Friend 1, "you don't need to lose weight, you look beautiful the way you are!" I never said I didn't like the way I look, I just feel like trying something new to see if I can feel stronger.

• Friend 2, "I really miss the days where you could stay up late and not wake up at 6 AM everyday." We still got plenty of time to hang with each other, and being on a steady sleep schedule is better for me so I don't have a seizure.

• The one that was the hardest and ultimately caused me to stop this food lifestyle the first time was on Thanksgiving. I hadn't reached a point in this rigid diet to have a cheat meal, so I could only eat a handful of things on the table. Okay, that's fine. But I remembered my mom said she would bake something healthy for me for dessert so I didn't feel isolated. Well in the chaos of the holiday, that didn't happen. I was crushed and forced to watch as my family indulged. My older sister saw that I was worked up, and said something to my parents along the lines of, "It isn't worth for her to be miserable on a diet. Why are you pushing this?" In their defense, I initiated this, not them. They were simply trying to be supportive.

This statement saved me because my sister is right. Nothing that makes you miserable can go on forever. It's also not manageable to go from one extreme to the other. That's why, this time around, I am not using the, "all or nothing," approach. And am being completely real with myself, without judgement (hello accepting feelings!) When I came up with my goal of showing more compassion with myself in learning new things I became susceptible to the realization that there has been an overall shift in the language that surrounds health and fitness that I am so happy to see! Like when I stayed up later than normal, my Oura ring was like, "it's okay! Go to bed when you are tired." Or like the quote that reads, "Exercise is a celebration of what your body can do. Not a punishment for what you ate." Yes to all of this! Isn't it amazing what you notice when you change your perspective?

In all three books, which taught me this perspective, I read about supporting your hormones. They all mentioned to go easy on yourself and this new journey you are on. They each also gave tools of how to support yourself in your interpersonal relationships. This was the key I needed. For I have always known what and why things are good for me, but often struggle with advocating those beliefs because language and game planning is convoluted. In the book, Woman Code, she lays out the situation I am the most stressed about, visiting and eating a meal with my family. By the time I go back to Saint George, Utah, I will have been gluten free for a month. To avoid feeling isolated and to hold true to something that is making me feel better towards my family, I need to come up with a game plan. In the book, she says that when we apply our new healthy habits towards vacation. You are strengthening the habit you are creating towards food. For me, this also means allowing other things beside food, to create a enjoyable experience.

So I called up my mom to both inform her of this change and to ask what we are having for meals. So that I could shop accordingly and prepare to make anything, if need be. So now, nothing will be made a spectacle, I have a healthy balance of flexibility and structure, and get to have a special experience with my family! This brought me peace of mind. "I can handle this," I thought.

The other stressor I had was stepping on a scale. This was the epitome of feeling like, no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But in order to heal this part of myself, to really give this change a warm welcome. I wanted to change my relationship towards the scale. But I wasn't sure how. So I opened up to Jacob about it, he gave me a hug, then told me an idea. "How about you simply step on the scale, and I will keep track for you." This felt right. This could allow me to get back into a routine of stepping on a scale, without having all the heavy thoughts involved; break the barrier. I agreed, but not until I got the promise he wouldn't judge my weight (which is something boys have stupidly commented on in the past). Now, I knew he wouldn't, but I still needed to hear it. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me in, locking eye contact. "I love you for the radiant person you are Emma, I would never judge you on that." As he kissed me on the forehead. "Okay," I whispered, "let's do this."

I didn't want to know anything at first. I wanted to establish neutral feelings. But then I felt healthily curious. In this state of mind, Jacob was happy to report I had lost 8 pounds since my doctor's visit in February. I felt proud. But not only because I lost weight, which will help my hormones and overall health (good riddance insulin resistance!) But mostly because, it felt centered and grounded. Like there was an everlasting joy stirring inside of me. I hadn't even been in the full swings of eating the way I am for that entire time. Imagine what will happen now that I am? All of this, and I didn't even have to constantly push myself day in and day out.

Abandoning the all or nothing attitude, is working. By giving myself grace while learning is allowing my spirit to soar in awe. She is a quiet, but powerful force. And I can't wait to keep enveloping her with love and support. I know there will be times where I will have to work harder to remember that she is there inside of me. But it's nice to know that she is there and she is me.

Courageously yours,

Emma